Ever caught yourself apologizing for something completely ridiculous? Like… asking a question in a meeting? Or walking past someone in the office hallway? Or just existing?

Or—what if you’re one of the rare few who doesn’t over-apologize? Oh, you already know how this goes. Instead of people brushing you off, they react like you just punched their grandma in the throat. They stare at you, wide-eyed, like, Did she really just say that without softening it with a ‘sorry’?!

Women have been conditioned to use “I’m sorry” like it’s punctuation. We say it when we disagree, when we need something, when we breathe too close to a coworker’s personal space. And while being polite is great and all, over-apologizing is basically handing out little “Please Don’t Take Me Seriously” stickers everywhere you go.

Yeah. We see you. If you do over-apologize, it’s time to quit. For those of us who don’t apologize – we’re constantly dodging the backlash of being direct—which, in some offices, is considered a felony-level offense. Meanwhile, the meathead who just bulldozed through the meeting with zero hesitation? He’s a “strong leader.” Go figure.

So, let’s talk about why this whole mess exists—and, more importantly, how to quit the “sorry” habit (if you have it) or, how to navigate the absolute fear others have when you don’t.

1. We’ve Been Trained for This Nonsense (Or… Were We?)

From the time we were kids, little girls were taught to be nice—which apparently meant making sure no one ever felt the slightest bit uncomfortable. Saying “sorry” became our all-purpose tool for smoothing over situations that didn’t even need smoothing. Meanwhile, boys got to say things like, “Move, I’m playing here.” Sound familiar?Or… maybe not.

Maybe you’re like me, and you were never conditioned this way. Have you noticed the harsh reaction people have when you’re direct? Because let me tell you—I was never taught this nicey-nicey business. I grew up in a family full of savages. I didn’t get the “be nice and accommodating” manual; I got the “survival of the fittest” version. So instead of being conditioned to over-apologize, I’ve spent my entire life dealing with people’s, let’s say… “unfavorable” reactions to my complete lack of desire to be a human marshmallow. And this reaction comes from both men and women. Oftentimes, women will punish you worse than men will for your crime of being direct.

So trust me, I get it. If you weren’t raised to soften every sentence with an apology, then you’ve probably been accused of being too much, too aggressive, or—my personal favorite—intimidating. The kicker? If you were conditioned to apologize, you get treated like a doormat. It’s a lose-lose situation.

2. We Think We’re Being Rude (When We’re Not—Or, Some of Us Just Don’t Care Anymore)

Women tend to have a lower threshold for what feels “too direct” or “too harsh,” which means we apologize for things men wouldn’t even register as an issue. Meanwhile, men—especially ones named Bob from Accounting—are out here saying things like, “Yeah, no, that won’t work. Next?” without even blinking.

Ask yourself: Would Bob say “sorry” before giving his opinion in a meeting? Nope. Bob just says it. Bob doesn’t feel the need to gently wrap his statements in bubble wrap before placing them ever-so-carefully into the conversation.

Now, if you do soften your language out of habit, I get it. We’ve been trained to play it safe. But if you’re like me, and you skipped class on the whole “be nice” programming, you’ve probably noticed that not apologizing triggers some fascinating reactions. You can make the most simple of statements and people will act like you just drop-kicked a puppy across the conference room. Their faces contort in slow motion, their bodies stiffen like they’ve witnessed a crime, and their eyes? Wide, unblinking, searching for the nearest exit—because surely, surely, they’re not safe in the presence of such unchecked female confidence.

And yet—what did you actually do? State a fact. Express an opinion. Ask for something. You know, normal human stuff. But because you didn’t coat it in a fluffy, preemptive “sorry,” suddenly, you’re a problem. And that, my friends, is the real issue. It’s not just that women apologize too much—it’s that we are expected to. And those of us who don’t? We must constantly pay the price.

So next time you feel an apology creeping in where it doesn’t belong, stop and ask yourself: Would Bob from Accounting say this? If the answer is no, neither should you.

3. We Don’t Want to Be Labeled ‘Difficult’

There’s this unspoken rule that women who are direct are “bossy,” “cold,” or gasp—“intimidating.” Meanwhile, direct men? They’re “strong leaders.” They’re “assertive.” They “get things done.”

And here’s the kicker—it’s not just men who react this way. Some of the worst reactions don’t even come from Bob in accounting or Chad in middle management. No, the real pearl-clutching often comes from other women.

Women who have spent their entire careers learning how to soften, shrink, and sugarcoat just to keep the peace. Women who expect you to do the same—and if you don’t, if you dare to be direct, suddenly you’re the villain. You’re the “difficult one.” You’re the problem that needs to be “managed.” Meanwhile, that same level of directness from a man? Oh, he’s a go-getter. A leader. A force to be reckoned with.

So, what do we do? We soften our language—throwing in an “I’m sorry” here, a “Just wanted to check” there—until we sound like we’re tiptoeing around our own ideas like we’re sneaking past a sleeping dragon. Because if we don’t? If we say what we actually mean without a spoonful of sugar to help it go down? We get labeled.

Difficult. Harsh. Aggressive. Unapproachable.

And for those of us already carrying the Difficult Woman Starter Pack (i.e., a lack of interest in people-pleasing and a facial expression that doesn’t scream “tell me your life story, Chad”), we learn pretty damn fast that the moment we say something directly, people start plotting their escape like we just pulled a knife out of our boot.

So yeah, we do end up figuring out ways to soften our words—not because we want to, but because we have to navigate the very real discomfort our existence creates in certain rooms. Let’s be honest: that uncomfortability isn’t going away anytime soon. Society isn’t going to magically stopped punishing women for being direct. And as much as we’d love to say, “Screw it, let them be uncomfortable,” the reality is that if people write us off as “The Difficult One to Avoid,” we lose opportunities, influence, and the ability to actually get things done.

But let’s get one thing straight: softening what we say doesn’t have to mean apologizing for saying it.

Why Over-Apologizing is a Career Killer

Look, no one’s saying you should never apologize. If you spill coffee on your coworker’s laptop, yeah, say sorry (and maybe run). If you accidentally hit “Reply All” on an email meant for your work bestie, yeah, own it.

But throwing out a million apologies a day? That’s bad for business – It Undermines Your Authority. If every email starts with “Sorry to bother you,” guess what? People will start treating you like a bother. Confidence is contagious, and so is self-doubt. Apologizing for existing in a professional space? That’s like putting a blinking neon sign over your head that says, “Ignore Me”.

It Reinforces Stereotypes.

Every unnecessary apology feeds the idea that women should be overly accommodating. That our default setting should be soft, sweet, and self-effacing. That our presence needs an apology, while men’s presence is just… assumed. (Which, by the way, is garbage.) And don’t think for a second that other women won’t reinforce this, too. Some of the worst enforcers of the “be nice” rule are other women who’ve had to twist themselves into pretzels their whole careers to be palatable. And if you don’t do the same? Well…that is just unacceptable. 

It Can Actually Hurt Your Career.

Managers promote confident people—those who own their space, their ideas, and their expertise. Over-apologizing makes you seem hesitant, like you’re constantly asking for permission to be there. And hesitant people? They don’t get put in charge of things.

Meanwhile, Bob from Accounting hasn’t apologized for anything in 17 years, and guess who’s getting tapped for the next leadership role?

How to Stop Over-Apologizing Like Your Career Depends on It (Because It Kind of Does)

Whether you’re an over-apologizer or an unapologetic steamroller, this section is for you. Some of us need to cut back on the constant sorrys. Others – 👀 us “difficult” folks, need to fine-tune our approach so we don’t scare the interns. Both require strategy—because, like it or not, perception matters.

1. Track Your “Sorry” Habit (Or Your Lack Thereof)

For one day, count how many times you say “I’m sorry.” If you’re an over-apologizer, you’ll probably be horrified. If you’re on the zero apologies, zero regrets side of the spectrum, flip the exercise: track how many times people react like you just declared war on civility. You might notice patterns.

The goal here isn’t to start apologizing more or less—it’s to see how your communication lands so you can tweak it without sacrificing your presence.

2. Replace “Sorry” with Something Stronger (or Smarter)

For the chronic apologizers—swap out unnecessary sorries with stronger, more confident language:

Instead of: “Sorry for the delay.”

Say: “I appreciate your patience.”

 

Instead of: “Sorry to bother you.”

Say: “Got a minute to chat?”

 

Instead of: “Sorry, can I add something?”

Say: “I’d like to jump in here.”

 

For the “intimidating” crowd—sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. If people are recoiling in horror every time you open your mouth, try a slight recalibration:

Instead of: “This is wrong.”

Try: “I see a different approach that might work better.”

 

Instead of: “We’re not doing that.”

Try: “Let’s explore an alternative that aligns better with our goals.”

 

No, you’re not coddling anyone—you’re just making it harder for people to dismiss you as a problem instead of listening to what you’re actually saying.

3. Channel Your Inner Bob from Accounting (But Make It Work for You)

Before you say “I’m sorry,” ask yourself: Would Bob apologize for this? If the answer is no, don’t do it. For the over-apologizers, this exercise is about restraint—standing firm in your statements instead of reflexively softening them.

For the aggressively direct folks, it’s a little different. Bob from Accounting gets away with being blunt because people assume he knows what he’s talking about. You? People might react like you just lit the conference table on fire. So, the goal here isn’t to shrink, but to deliver with impact, rather than intensity. Confidence doesn’t have to mean louder, harder, or sharper. Sometimes, the quietest person in the room is the one everyone leans in to hear.

4. Get a “Sorry” Accountability Buddy (or a Brutal Honesty Filter)

Find a work friend who will call you out when you slip—whether that means apologizing too much or rolling over people like an HR violation waiting to happen. A little tough love goes a long way.

Bonus: You’ll also catch them doing it, so you both level up together. And if neither of you is sure whether you’re over-apologizing or over-terrorizing? Ask for feedback. It’s the easiest way to know whether your delivery is landing the way you think it is.

Final Thoughts (AKA The Part Where I Don’t Apologize for Telling You the Truth)

If you take one thing away from this, let it be this: You don’t need to apologize for existing, having opinions, or taking up space in a room. And, as discussed here—not all of us are over-apologizers. Some of us are on the opposite end of the spectrum, so blunt and unapologetic that we’re one email away from being reported to HR for being a menace to society.

Both sides deal with the same ridiculous double standard: Women are expected to be softer, nicer, more digestible. If you apologize too much, you’re seen as weak. If you don’t apologize at all, you’re seen as a tyrant. Either way? You lose.

So here’s your challenge—yes, challenge. Go 24 hours practicing intentional communication: If you over-apologize, cut out the unnecessary “sorrys” and see how it feels to own your space. If you are not an apologizer, experiment with adjusting your delivery so people actually listen instead of shutting down.

It’ll feel weird at first. Maybe even uncomfortable. But then? It’ll feel powerful.

And if you slip up? No need to apologize—just fix it and keep moving. It takes a lot of practice.

Ultimately, instead of deflating our statements with “I’m sorry, but…” or “I hate to be that person…” We can use other ways to navigate the minefield of fragile egos without compromising our authority.

For us “harsh” and “unapproachable” gals, we can frame things in a way that makes people listen instead of shutting down. We can be strategic in how we phrase things without handing out emotional pacifiers. We can deliver a message without causing everyone to run for their lives.

So no—we’re not apologizing, and we’re not difficult. We just need to learn how to speak in a way that gets us heard instead of ignored.

And if that still makes some people uncomfortable?

Not. Our. Problem. 😈🔥